Must it all include EVERYTHING?!!

Someone recently emailed me, asking me this:
"Must dominance include pain and bondage?"

I am very grateful that he asked me this, because it highlights a confusion common in the BDSM/fetish community. This confusion is even greater, I find for painless and those who are just starting out in their exploration of BDSM. I have even seen it to be prevalent among beginning pro-dommes.

What confusion, specifically?

It is most basically a confusion arising out of stereotypes. I cannot tell you how many times people have said to me, oh but I am not into pain! And let me tell you, a good portion of the people I play with are not into pain! But I will get back to this later.

First of all the stereotype: the domme in boots and leather who does whatever she wants whenever she wants. For many it paints the picture of some cold, ruthless bitch who has no inkling of compassion. She is dangerous, insane, and mean!

Now, at times I have played that general role, but not as often as most would suspect, and it is a role that is, like so much of the BDSM world, full of illusions.

The very first rule of BDSM play is:

Play must be safe, sane, and consensual.

I am tempted to paste this rule all over this blog, yell it at the top of my lungs in public streets, send smoke signals, and airplane banners:

BDSM PLAY MUST BE:
SAFE,
SANE,
AND CONSENSUAL!!!

Without this basic rule, the incredible journeys, the flights through the subconscious, the enlightening and transcendent sliding into otherworlds that blend fantasy and reality could never happen!

Scenes are completely negotiated - and if they are not, it is because I have been playing with you for a very long time, know your limitations, your potential, and have negotiated not to negotiate down to the last minute detail.

NOW, to the specific question: Must dominance include pain and bondage?
Certainly not. Some fetish play only worship - of boots, of toes, of leather, of latex, of dildos. This may include things such as kissing or smelling...OR maybe for example, as a rubber fetishist, you are shining the full latex outfit I am wearing with a special rubber lube - a ritual I often enjoyed with my personal slave back in New York.

Maybe you are being dominated with teasing and denial - sometimes by a seemingly accidental breath on your ear, or a brush of the thigh. Perhaps you catch a glimpse of my garter belt when I cross and uncross my legs - it seems like a lucky coincidence for you, but in fact I am most carefully and seamlessly pushing the buttons of your sexual imagination - and thereby very specifically controlling your arousal.

I could also dominate you with words, or action, call you my slut, or order you to dress in stockings and garter belt.

It is possible that I make you succumb to my will without a single twitch of my pinkie - not a single whip or chain in sight - because I know what you want, and I can lead you into a headspace no one else could before...

So CAN I dominate without pain and bondage?
Hmmmm....Now you tell me! *wink*

I will tell you this over and over again - my interests are very eclectic, and my skill range broad and diverse. I love to explore MANY many different things. I play with many people - both personal and professional, and no two scenes are exactly alike. And I would NEVER want it that way.

So don't just assume that because I wear a corset, and am very talented with a bullwhip that my personality and interests end there. I know you are not accusing me of being boring! Just like yourself, I am a complex and curious human being.....and full of surprises!