Must it all include EVERYTHING?!!

Someone recently emailed me, asking me this:
"Must dominance include pain and bondage?"

I am very grateful that he asked me this, because it highlights a confusion common in the BDSM/fetish community. This confusion is even greater, I find for painless and those who are just starting out in their exploration of BDSM. I have even seen it to be prevalent among beginning pro-dommes.

What confusion, specifically?

It is most basically a confusion arising out of stereotypes. I cannot tell you how many times people have said to me, oh but I am not into pain! And let me tell you, a good portion of the people I play with are not into pain! But I will get back to this later.

First of all the stereotype: the domme in boots and leather who does whatever she wants whenever she wants. For many it paints the picture of some cold, ruthless bitch who has no inkling of compassion. She is dangerous, insane, and mean!

Now, at times I have played that general role, but not as often as most would suspect, and it is a role that is, like so much of the BDSM world, full of illusions.

The very first rule of BDSM play is:

Play must be safe, sane, and consensual.

I am tempted to paste this rule all over this blog, yell it at the top of my lungs in public streets, send smoke signals, and airplane banners:

BDSM PLAY MUST BE:
SAFE,
SANE,
AND CONSENSUAL!!!

Without this basic rule, the incredible journeys, the flights through the subconscious, the enlightening and transcendent sliding into otherworlds that blend fantasy and reality could never happen!

Scenes are completely negotiated - and if they are not, it is because I have been playing with you for a very long time, know your limitations, your potential, and have negotiated not to negotiate down to the last minute detail.

NOW, to the specific question: Must dominance include pain and bondage?
Certainly not. Some fetish play only worship - of boots, of toes, of leather, of latex, of dildos. This may include things such as kissing or smelling...OR maybe for example, as a rubber fetishist, you are shining the full latex outfit I am wearing with a special rubber lube - a ritual I often enjoyed with my personal slave back in New York.

Maybe you are being dominated with teasing and denial - sometimes by a seemingly accidental breath on your ear, or a brush of the thigh. Perhaps you catch a glimpse of my garter belt when I cross and uncross my legs - it seems like a lucky coincidence for you, but in fact I am most carefully and seamlessly pushing the buttons of your sexual imagination - and thereby very specifically controlling your arousal.

I could also dominate you with words, or action, call you my slut, or order you to dress in stockings and garter belt.

It is possible that I make you succumb to my will without a single twitch of my pinkie - not a single whip or chain in sight - because I know what you want, and I can lead you into a headspace no one else could before...

So CAN I dominate without pain and bondage?
Hmmmm....Now you tell me! *wink*

I will tell you this over and over again - my interests are very eclectic, and my skill range broad and diverse. I love to explore MANY many different things. I play with many people - both personal and professional, and no two scenes are exactly alike. And I would NEVER want it that way.

So don't just assume that because I wear a corset, and am very talented with a bullwhip that my personality and interests end there. I know you are not accusing me of being boring! Just like yourself, I am a complex and curious human being.....and full of surprises!

gender-bending

I have found in recent years that I simply cannot classify my sexuality. When I first tried, as a teenager, I qualified myself as bi-sexual - liking both boys and girls.

But as I explored, I found bi-sexual to too limited. I love gender-fluidity too much. I did very much love the boys who wore make up - in fact my first love wore more make-up than I did when we went to the prom. What a scandal we caused in our small town! And then, I cannot tell you how many of my following boyfriends I convinced to wear make-up and get into women's lingere...

And everyone who knows me, knows my fetish for corsets - I love to see them on men and women alike. Of course, I wear one nearly every chance I get, but I also especially love having my feminine figure accentuated simultaneous to me wearing a strap on.

I don't try to qualify anymore. I am way to fluid. I have found myself to be interested in all sexes (and of course I mean more than two.)

singletails, dear old friends

Recently I was at a themed birthday party for some dear, old friends of mine. As part of their theme (Good vs. Evil), they had a confessions booth in which people could confess their sins. And of course, because I love them, (not because it would be any fun for me, oh no!) I offered to work that confession booth, aiding those poor sinners in their penance. Most of the penance was silly and ridiculous, with some light DS role play.

So, I had a couple of implements with me, one of which was a small singletail. I was actually taking a break from the confessions booth, when I ran into a friend whom I had not seen in a very long time. We were exchanging updates, when he suddenly got distracted by what was in my hand. "May I see that?"

This being a friend whom I trusted, I handed it to him to examine.

He held it in his hand running his fingers along the length of the singletail. It was small, with a thick tongue. "Very nice! What is it?"

"Its a singletail!" I smiled.

"It doesn't look like the ones I have seen before."

Well they come in many shapes and sizes, I explained, as I stood back to give him room to try swinging it. He then tried to hit himself with it. This made me laugh (though not any stranger may simply take one of my whips and try hitting himself with it - do NOT try this at home or with me, kids!), and though self-flagellation would have appropriate given the theme of the party, I asked him, "Would you like me to do that for you?"

His eyes lit up, and he immediately removed his clothing, and found a wall upon which to brace himself.

I first put my hands on his back, and stood there, taking in the warmth of his flesh beneath my palms. During these first few moments, such an important connection is made between the players - for me this moment is crucial. Smiling and closing my eyes, I held his back.

Then stepping back, I took a few deep breaths, while now running my own fingers again on the singletail. Then gently, I started to swing, sending a breeze of forewarning to my friend's exposed skin.
The first touches of the singletail to flesh, were kisses, light little taps into his spirit.
At least that is how it felt to me.
And gradually I sank into the flow of the whip, adding a bit more pressure to the singletail kisses.

These moments are immensely beautiful and sacred to me. When two people are breathing together, one giving, and one receiving. And the singletail between them creates a physical distance, and yet connect deeper from one to the other...and for me, I can feel the person who is receiving. It seems as though I can touch their soul.
I love all whips for this, I love the singletail, and my ultimate baby is the bullwhip...and it seems as though the longer the whip, the deeper the spiritual connection, and together, giver and receiver fly into otherworlds...

My friend and I only played for a few minutes, but in just those few opening singletail caresses, we traveled to some other places. As his skin started to redden, I paused to again place my hands against his flesh, to hold him, to thank him for this special gift of sharing.

Why...

For years now, BDSM players, and ordinary vanillas have been asking me questions about what I do, and why I do it. After the first couple of years of being a "PROFESSIONAL DOMINATRIX!" it ceased to be quite as interesting to be asked the same questions over and over. What's it like? What is the most intense thing you have ever done? Is it safe? In fact especially some of the same-old, ignorant, and sometimes disrespectful questions got to be exhausting and irritating. Some of them I will not even answer. But some of the questions were good, and the conversations raised a new awareness of the world for the questioner as well as myself.

So...Even if you are not a BDSM/fetish player yourself, but merely a theoretical voyeur from afar, perhaps we can continue those converations here. And if you play? Dreamed of playing? Maybe within this blog you find some leads on your questions, or some inspiration for your play.

Welcome.